A year of changes

I was sitting on the Amtrak train, looking out at the orange and pinks hues of the sky as the sun started to come up. I had perfected the art of 4 a.m. departures for my day trips to Chicago, so I was snuggled up with a blanket, wearing my leggings and oversized hoodie. In about an hour I would swap those clothes for my business pants and heels and would roll up my blanket and shove it in my backpack. The guy in the seat across the aisle from me was snoring loudly, so I put my ear buds back in and turned on one of my favorite podcasts.

I was tired. I was so used to the circles under my eyes and this relentless routine that I could put my makeup on without even really looking in a mirror - lashes and all. And on this particular day, I felt hopeless. Was this going to be my life now? Was I going to have to increase my time in the city? Why am I so incredibly unhappy?

In 2019, I did a lot of quitting. In a blog post I wrote last December, I talked about learning to say “no” more because I had over-committed myself and no longer found things enjoyable. Throughout this year, I continued that practice and when I felt myself getting anxious about something, I was self-aware enough to stop and ask if it was something I really wanted to do. And what I found is that while there’s some kind of glamor around being able to tell people I travel to Chicago weekly for work or Florida every couple of months, or that I am on x-number of committees, or that I teach an ungodly amount of classes at the gym for no real reason other than I don’t want to not do it, that eventually is no longer a reason to keep up the charade. And even more, no one actually cares. Really.

In June I said goodbye to a job that I loved. It was time, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. And honestly, that’s the first time I think I’ve admitted that. But here’s the thing - the job had changed from a being a part of my career path to just being a “job,” and I no longer loved the majority of the things I had to do. I recognized a great opportunity to go back to where I started surrounded by people I love, and the timing just made sense.

I don’t believe in staying stuck, whether that’s in your job, fitness, relationships, whatever. I knew I needed to find a new job and I fully anticipated that would mean leaving the agency I’ve given nearly 9 years of my life to. But sometimes doors open in the most unlikely of places and we have to be willing to walk through. Since then, I’ve quit almost every committee I served on and modified my schedule at the gym so that it feels good to me. My goal for 2019 was to feel more “free.” And as I start to cast my 2020 vision, my goal is to be more open and to feel more peace. It’s amazing how much we can grow in just a year. <3