It doesn't have to be this way, stepmom.

The general feeling in the stepmom community is that the holiday season 2018 was a hot mess express. It makes me sad because I think the holidays are such a magical time and when you are stressed about the ex or the in-laws or all things in between, there's just no way to enjoy it.

Now that it's December 26th, I want you to really sit with your experience. Do you think it went well? Was there anything that could have gone better? How was your attitude? What memories do you think your (step) kids will have from this year?

If your answers to any of the above questions leave you feeling a little uneasy, then it's time to examine what you're doing and how you can fix it before next year. It doesn't have to be that way, you know.

The biggest issue that split parents have is who gets the kids and when. This is where I think being creative and flexible will serve you best. My husband has 4 children and there are 2 moms to deal with. My husband also works a non-traditional schedule, so we have to be prepared to plan around him (and now my step-son) going to work at some point on most holidays, unless it happens to fall on their days off. In the 10 years that George and I have been together, there have only been a handful of years that we actually celebrated Christmas on Christmas Day. I know that can be hard for some families. Maybe you grew up celebrating on Christmas morning and have a hard time coming off of that. Or perhaps you have your own children and want them to have that tradition but can't make it happen because of the schedule with your stepchildren. There are all sorts of scenarios in the step-family world.

When our kids were all little, we literally found pockets of time for all four of them to be together to open gifts and spend time with us alone as a family of 6. They believed that Santa had a copy of our family calendar and that he would visit them at our house on a different day than they would visit their mom's. The first year, we had them open gifts from Santa during the big family party on Christmas Day and I swore that would never happen again. It's far too stressful and there's also something strange about having an audience of grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. when your kids are having their Christmas, know what I mean? Some years, it would be an hour or two between one party and another. Other years, we'd have them all meet here after we got home from somewhere. This year was actually the first year that we got to make a big deal of it and spend the entire morning together. We opened gifts on Christmas Eve morning and then my husband and I made a big breakfast. They played games and watched Christmas Vacation and laughed. Guys, that morning was 10 years in the making. And we may not ever get to wake up with them and have the whole morning again. But it will be okay because we know that it takes a little coordinating and planning to get them together, but we always make it work.

You have to be patient and understanding. And even when there are times that you want to get angry because you want your spouse to have that time with his/her kids, you have to be understanding that they have another parent who is wanting to spend time with them and make memories, too. Most importantly, the last thing you want for your kids is to have negative memories about the holiday. If you're arguing over schedules, they aren't going to be able to relax and enjoy either parent.

Another thing I want to address is that there should not be competition between parents about gifts. Let me repeat that another way - stop competing with the other parent when it comes to gifts. Not only will it not matter to them on December 26th, but it makes you look ridiculous. So what if they got a Playstation 4 from their mom and you didn't even know they liked Playstations. Christmas is not about gifts and I feel like we put so much pressure on ourselves to make sure that our step-kids have "great" gifts. It's almost like we need them to open something and love it to validate that we're a good parent/step-parent. Like we need to know that we got them something they like to prove we have a good relationship (or that we really know them). It's a little off, really, because if we really know them and are spending time with them, that's what's going to matter most.

If you find yourself falling into this trap, first ask yourself how it happens. Are you drilling the kids when they come over about what the other parent got them? Because if you are, that's an easy problem to fix. Stop asking. Or do your kids just start listing off what they got when they see you? This one may be a little more difficult; you don't want to hurt their feelings or say you don't care, but try redirecting the conversation to something they can look forward to with you. It can be as simple as asking if they'd like to watch a movie or play a game. Or ask them to help prepare for Christmas. My girls were so excited to help dust and vacuum to get ready for our big family Christmas party. Was everything done exactly like I would have done it? Nope! But just having them help was good for our bonding time and they felt so accomplished that they got to help set up. We rarely talk about the gifts they received from the other parent because it just doesn't matter.

If you're having trouble feeling stepmom guilt or maybe just feeling annoyed by things the other parent buys, you can also address it through a conversation. I do think there are some gifts that require that. When our 12-year-old got her cell phone for Christmas last year, we talked about how the rules for the phone applied at both houses. And when I felt it was necessary to take her phone away, her mother backed me up on it. And I know what you might be thinking - not all co-parent relationships work this well. But if you're willing to try, it is possible to get there. That probably requires a blog post in and of itself...

Are there any other step-parenting issues that you deal with regularly? I'd love to hear them and see if I can help. If you find yourself as one of those who struggled with step-momming this year during the holidays, what was the biggest issue? There are 364 days before next Christmas, so I hope with some minor adjustments to your mindset, you're able to make next year a happier, less stressful holiday season.

xo,

Jayme